Feelings

It's as though I'm soaked to the bone, standing in the rain. Almost like the rain is sinking deeper and deeper into my skin, piercing right through my flesh.

Like I'm being broken open.

I wonder why I feel this way. I really do. I mean, I'm not usually like this. I mean, sure, I wish I could see her one more time, but I know I've never felt like this before. I've felt sad at the thought of her rejecting me before, but I don't know anymore. I want to confess to her, but what if she ends up hating me? Every single day, I think of her. Every single day. Sometimes I even get lost in those thoughts and I lose sight of almost everything. I wonder why.

But I know one thing for sure.

No one will ever understand. Not my parents, not my friends. Maybe only God knows how I feel.

When I think of her, my heart doesn't pound-- instead, my chest begins to tighten, and I find it gets harder and harder to breathe. It's like something's changing in me.

I've asked her before.
"What would you do if someone came up to you and said they liked you?"
"Like? For instance?"
"I mean... What if that 'someone' was your... classmate?"
She thought about it for a while. "I wouldn't really mind."
"You won't hate her?"
"No. I'm fine with it."

I don't know anymore. I want her. I've wanted her pretty badly for the past eleven months, but... honestly speaking... I really don't know. I mean, this is most definitely wrong. It's wrong for me to like her like this. Very, very wrong. I don't even know if this is infatuation, or love. What if it is? If it's infatuation, then why does it take so long to go away?

I know she's said that she wouldn't mind, but I doubt it. It was just a question. She probably didn't take it seriously.
I don't have the courage to tell it to her straight in the face. I'd like to, but being brought up in a Christian background, a Christian school, and I myself being a Christian nonetheless, how can I possibly do something as immoral as that?

When I first hugged her, my heart was pounding like crazy. I thought it would leap right out of my chest.
When I first touched her hair, I was blushing. My hand was trembling.
When I first kissed her on her back secretly, I was scared. Scared that she would know, scared that someone would see.
When I first 'slept' (I wasn't really asleep) on her shoulder, I didn't know how to react. I was afraid that she'd push me off.
But when I did all these things, I felt an immense joy I had never felt before. I was happy. It made me like her even more.

She once said, "Want to go out with me?"
When I heard that, I was a little startled. I hadn't even confessed yet, and she wanted to go out already?
...Then I realized she was talking about the computer lab. What she meant was, "Want to go out with me to the computer lab?"
Even though she didn't mean it the way I had hoped, I was still happy.

I wonder what this feeling is. What is this supposed to mean?

I wonder if... it's really love.