I really feel like crying right now.
My pet cat... she's not going to be in the same class as me next year. She's not in SBC either...! I really really feel like crying. Thank fully though, I have my best friend to comfort me, but it's still very upsetting. I wish I had spent more time with her this year... but you know, maybe this is for the better.
Maybe this is God's message to me telling me to give up on such a sinful thing.
But still...! I prayed, you know. I prayed hard, asking for her to be in the same class as me in 2011. Must God turn me down like this...? I'm really sad right now.
Of course, I can still see her, but....
... Just the thought of her being with, or merely her talking to other girls is driving me crazy...!! It's not good enough! I want to be by her side!
And to think that earlier on I had told myself I would give up on her. This is probably unrequited, but it's not something I want to keep suppressing either. And I think she doesn't have a clue about it either...
I don't think I like how this is turning out...
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A Problem
Honestly speaking, my lovesickness has become a problem. A real problem. So much so that I've begun to dream about her. Well, it's not exactly the first time I'm doing something like that... I mean, it's happened about 4 times already...
There were times I told her I was dreaming about the same person 4 times. And she asked, "Is it your senior? The one you're crazy about?" I didn't know what to say. So I replied, "No." To tell the truth, I was infatuated with my senior before. Not just one senior, but two. As well as my ex-classmate, and my sports teacher.
She only knows I used to like my senior (from my club activities) before, so she seemingly assumes that most, if not all, of my dreams are about that senior of mine. The truth is, I'm already over her. And over the others as well. I did tell her before that I found her really cute, and that I dreamt I kissed her (on the forehead) before, but I don't think she gets it. She's surprisingly (and fortunately) dense...
But that's what I love about her.
There were times I told her I was dreaming about the same person 4 times. And she asked, "Is it your senior? The one you're crazy about?" I didn't know what to say. So I replied, "No." To tell the truth, I was infatuated with my senior before. Not just one senior, but two. As well as my ex-classmate, and my sports teacher.
She only knows I used to like my senior (from my club activities) before, so she seemingly assumes that most, if not all, of my dreams are about that senior of mine. The truth is, I'm already over her. And over the others as well. I did tell her before that I found her really cute, and that I dreamt I kissed her (on the forehead) before, but I don't think she gets it. She's surprisingly (and fortunately) dense...
But that's what I love about her.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Feelings
It's as though I'm soaked to the bone, standing in the rain. Almost like the rain is sinking deeper and deeper into my skin, piercing right through my flesh.
Like I'm being broken open.
I wonder why I feel this way. I really do. I mean, I'm not usually like this. I mean, sure, I wish I could see her one more time, but I know I've never felt like this before. I've felt sad at the thought of her rejecting me before, but I don't know anymore. I want to confess to her, but what if she ends up hating me? Every single day, I think of her. Every single day. Sometimes I even get lost in those thoughts and I lose sight of almost everything. I wonder why.
But I know one thing for sure.
No one will ever understand. Not my parents, not my friends. Maybe only God knows how I feel.
When I think of her, my heart doesn't pound-- instead, my chest begins to tighten, and I find it gets harder and harder to breathe. It's like something's changing in me.
I've asked her before.
"What would you do if someone came up to you and said they liked you?"
"Like? For instance?"
"I mean... What if that 'someone' was your... classmate?"
She thought about it for a while. "I wouldn't really mind."
"You won't hate her?"
"No. I'm fine with it."
I don't know anymore. I want her. I've wanted her pretty badly for the past eleven months, but... honestly speaking... I really don't know. I mean, this is most definitely wrong. It's wrong for me to like her like this. Very, very wrong. I don't even know if this is infatuation, or love. What if it is? If it's infatuation, then why does it take so long to go away?
I know she's said that she wouldn't mind, but I doubt it. It was just a question. She probably didn't take it seriously.
I don't have the courage to tell it to her straight in the face. I'd like to, but being brought up in a Christian background, a Christian school, and I myself being a Christian nonetheless, how can I possibly do something as immoral as that?
When I first hugged her, my heart was pounding like crazy. I thought it would leap right out of my chest.
When I first touched her hair, I was blushing. My hand was trembling.
When I first kissed her on her back secretly, I was scared. Scared that she would know, scared that someone would see.
When I first 'slept' (I wasn't really asleep) on her shoulder, I didn't know how to react. I was afraid that she'd push me off.
But when I did all these things, I felt an immense joy I had never felt before. I was happy. It made me like her even more.
She once said, "Want to go out with me?"
When I heard that, I was a little startled. I hadn't even confessed yet, and she wanted to go out already?
...Then I realized she was talking about the computer lab. What she meant was, "Want to go out with me to the computer lab?"
Even though she didn't mean it the way I had hoped, I was still happy.
I wonder what this feeling is. What is this supposed to mean?
I wonder if... it's really love.
Like I'm being broken open.
I wonder why I feel this way. I really do. I mean, I'm not usually like this. I mean, sure, I wish I could see her one more time, but I know I've never felt like this before. I've felt sad at the thought of her rejecting me before, but I don't know anymore. I want to confess to her, but what if she ends up hating me? Every single day, I think of her. Every single day. Sometimes I even get lost in those thoughts and I lose sight of almost everything. I wonder why.
But I know one thing for sure.
No one will ever understand. Not my parents, not my friends. Maybe only God knows how I feel.
When I think of her, my heart doesn't pound-- instead, my chest begins to tighten, and I find it gets harder and harder to breathe. It's like something's changing in me.
I've asked her before.
"What would you do if someone came up to you and said they liked you?"
"Like? For instance?"
"I mean... What if that 'someone' was your... classmate?"
She thought about it for a while. "I wouldn't really mind."
"You won't hate her?"
"No. I'm fine with it."
I don't know anymore. I want her. I've wanted her pretty badly for the past eleven months, but... honestly speaking... I really don't know. I mean, this is most definitely wrong. It's wrong for me to like her like this. Very, very wrong. I don't even know if this is infatuation, or love. What if it is? If it's infatuation, then why does it take so long to go away?
I know she's said that she wouldn't mind, but I doubt it. It was just a question. She probably didn't take it seriously.
I don't have the courage to tell it to her straight in the face. I'd like to, but being brought up in a Christian background, a Christian school, and I myself being a Christian nonetheless, how can I possibly do something as immoral as that?
When I first hugged her, my heart was pounding like crazy. I thought it would leap right out of my chest.
When I first touched her hair, I was blushing. My hand was trembling.
When I first kissed her on her back secretly, I was scared. Scared that she would know, scared that someone would see.
When I first 'slept' (I wasn't really asleep) on her shoulder, I didn't know how to react. I was afraid that she'd push me off.
But when I did all these things, I felt an immense joy I had never felt before. I was happy. It made me like her even more.
She once said, "Want to go out with me?"
When I heard that, I was a little startled. I hadn't even confessed yet, and she wanted to go out already?
...Then I realized she was talking about the computer lab. What she meant was, "Want to go out with me to the computer lab?"
Even though she didn't mean it the way I had hoped, I was still happy.
I wonder what this feeling is. What is this supposed to mean?
I wonder if... it's really love.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Hoshi no Yakata
At last.
A time to rant about Hoshi no Yakata, at long last....!!
So, what is Hoshi no Yakata about, you ask. Well.... if you don't like yaoi (GuyXGuy) then DON'T READ ANY FURTHER!!!
So anyway, the story revolves around the cast of the suburban SM club, Hoshi no Yakata (Palace of Stars).
The main characters are: Sumiya, Sakurai (aka Master), Kaoru, Shaoron, Yuuki (I hate him), Nanasaka (a politician- I hate him too) and Hirofumi. So basically it's about their lives, and there's a lot of angst, hardcore S/M, and of course... YAOI. It's really hardcore, so for those with a weak heart or those under 18, kindly DO NOT read it. You'll probably get the shock of your life. (Haha.)
In any case, the cosplayers for Hoshi no Yakata are reaalllyy cool.
This is Kaoru and Sumiya, respectively, by the way.
It's Sakurai!! Sakurai Masahito! :D So cool! :D
Here are some nice shots of the cosplayers:) Enjoy:D
And here are some cute stuff- cosplay of Togainu No Chi! :D
Hehe. Hope you enjoyed it!
Oh and the photos are courtesy of Google Images:)
A Strange Fetish
I have a strange fetish. A very strange one. And that is------ CROSS DRESSING. *gasps* lol just kidding.
But I really do want to cross dress. That is, when my folks aren't at home. It's fun. Too bad that my dad and mom are homophobes. *sighs*
So what do I do?? I've checked the Net for tips on cross-dressing countless times, but I can't find very much. I mean, they don't really work for me. *epic sigh*
I can't tell anyone about this either. I've cut my hair, but my mom was all "Get a bob cut. If you cut it any shorter you'll regret it." So now I'm stuck with a freaking bob cut. I don't even want one.
But then again.... I won't give up my entire feminine side. I like to paint my nails, dress up (but half the time I dress up like a guy.... even when I want to cosplay), and put makeup. However.... I guess you could say that I only paint my nails and style myself up AFTER I see transsexuals doing that. Which doesn't happen very often. I hate having long hair too. *sighs*
I really wish I could cross dress. I know it's against the Bible and all, but I really want to. It's like a dream, y'know? I don't want to be some cute little girlie who walks around in dresses and such. :(
Of course, neither do I want to be some big burly guy with a beard and a pot belly. (Who would?!?!? Urk.)
I want to have a flat chest, be able to be myself and act normal (which means NOT acting feminine) and I want SHORT HAIR, NOT A ****ING BOB CUT. - _ -"
Is that too much to ask for???? Honestly.
Unfortunately though, my folks would kill me if they ever found out.
*sighs*
But I really do want to cross dress. That is, when my folks aren't at home. It's fun. Too bad that my dad and mom are homophobes. *sighs*
So what do I do?? I've checked the Net for tips on cross-dressing countless times, but I can't find very much. I mean, they don't really work for me. *epic sigh*
I can't tell anyone about this either. I've cut my hair, but my mom was all "Get a bob cut. If you cut it any shorter you'll regret it." So now I'm stuck with a freaking bob cut. I don't even want one.
But then again.... I won't give up my entire feminine side. I like to paint my nails, dress up (but half the time I dress up like a guy.... even when I want to cosplay), and put makeup. However.... I guess you could say that I only paint my nails and style myself up AFTER I see transsexuals doing that. Which doesn't happen very often. I hate having long hair too. *sighs*
I really wish I could cross dress. I know it's against the Bible and all, but I really want to. It's like a dream, y'know? I don't want to be some cute little girlie who walks around in dresses and such. :(
Of course, neither do I want to be some big burly guy with a beard and a pot belly. (Who would?!?!? Urk.)
I want to have a flat chest, be able to be myself and act normal (which means NOT acting feminine) and I want SHORT HAIR, NOT A ****ING BOB CUT. - _ -"
Is that too much to ask for???? Honestly.
Unfortunately though, my folks would kill me if they ever found out.
*sighs*
Thursday, November 11, 2010
My pet cat
I have a pet cat, but I wonder if she knows she's my pet cat. There are times when I see her talking with others, and then I get jealous real quick... Like when she's talking to my friend Debbie, I just start to feel real jealous, and I start to wonder why. Maybe it's cos I like her a lot. The same happened with my other friend, Sarah N. Whenever I see my pet cat talking to her I reaalllyy start to get jealous. I know I should let her make friends and stuff..... but.... :(
So anyways that's me. When one of my friends, L.A, asked me who my pet cat was, I merely replied 'someone'. Then she asked me if she was a girl from our class. Well.... yes, yes she is. But I told her "no". I couldn't tell her the truth, now could I? I mean, it's not normal for someone (like me) to like a girl so much, is it? *sighs*
In any case, my pet cat's really cute, though she's always in denial. And she's also great fun to hug, too. :)
Ohh man I sound strange.... haha...
So anyways that's me. When one of my friends, L.A, asked me who my pet cat was, I merely replied 'someone'. Then she asked me if she was a girl from our class. Well.... yes, yes she is. But I told her "no". I couldn't tell her the truth, now could I? I mean, it's not normal for someone (like me) to like a girl so much, is it? *sighs*
In any case, my pet cat's really cute, though she's always in denial. And she's also great fun to hug, too. :)
Ohh man I sound strange.... haha...
Let's Chat.
Hmm. I just visited my friend's blog (her name's Queen-sama), and I have to say, I really kind of feel sorry for her. But her blog is really awesome:D
Oh, but there's one thing. My dearest Queen-sama, please don't be sad that ppl don't love you for who you are. Not everyone's like the bitches you share yr room with. You know, Rica, L.A, R.J, your Beibei and I love you for who you are. We're not trying to pretend either. It's true. :D
So don't get too upset, okay? :D
My beloved Queen-sama:)
Oh, but there's one thing. My dearest Queen-sama, please don't be sad that ppl don't love you for who you are. Not everyone's like the bitches you share yr room with. You know, Rica, L.A, R.J, your Beibei and I love you for who you are. We're not trying to pretend either. It's true. :D
So don't get too upset, okay? :D
My beloved Queen-sama:)
Really Cool People:D
Remember what I said about how the HSJ members can dress up like girls and nobody can tell the difference?
Oh? What's that you say? You don't believe me? That only happens in manga?
Well, I'm gonna prove you WRONG.
This.... is a guy. His name is Reiya, from a band called Dash. Now tell me, doesn't he look like a pretty lady?
Sigh... you still don't believe me?
Okay then. How about this?
Who is this, you ask. What's that? She's cute? Ahhh... So you, too, have been fooled by his appearance, hm? This is Jaejoong.
Proof he is a guy.
Have a good look, folks. Aren't they just cute? Ahhh~~
Well... sorry to disappoint, but they're ALL GUYS. YES. BE SHOCKED.
They're Okamoto Keito and Yuri Chinen, from HSJ, respectively.
So how do you like it, hm? ;)
And yes, you oughtta be able to guess by now.... HE'S A GUY.
Yes. BELIEVE IT.
So? Convinced now? I hope so.
:D
*sighs* I'm in love with HSJ right now..... ^-^
Haha lol.
And no, I'm not a girl. ;)
...If you know what i mean.
:D
*sighs* I'm in love with HSJ right now..... ^-^
Haha lol.
And no, I'm not a girl. ;)
...If you know what i mean.
Right Now
Right now I'm sitting in front of my computer, wondering what I should do.... There're so many things I'd like to do, yet I don't know which one to begin with....
Say, has anyone heard songs by Hey! Say! Jump? They're really awesome, and all the group members look so hot... Honest! I kid you not.
If you're not convinced, I'll show you.
Like him for instance.
Daiki Arioka:D
One of the group members. He's reaalllyy hot, isn't he? Haha.
By the way the members seriously look like girls.... So much so that if they dressed up as one no one can tell the difference! :D
Say, has anyone heard songs by Hey! Say! Jump? They're really awesome, and all the group members look so hot... Honest! I kid you not.
If you're not convinced, I'll show you.
Like him for instance.
Daiki Arioka:D
One of the group members. He's reaalllyy hot, isn't he? Haha.
HSJ rocks!!!! Woooot!
(lol)
I'm really crazy over them right now....
By the way the members seriously look like girls.... So much so that if they dressed up as one no one can tell the difference! :D
Life's like that
Sigh... i had a previous blog.... and then it was taken down for a goodness-knows-what reason... Say, has anyone watched/read Coraline? It's awesome! :D
I love it!!!! > , <
And who knew SALT seniors were so awesome?
BTW i got my senior's email address...! The senior I've been having a crush on for sooooo looooonng:D
Wheee~!! Yay!
haha...
i sound weird, don't i....
I love it!!!! > , <
And who knew SALT seniors were so awesome?
BTW i got my senior's email address...! The senior I've been having a crush on for sooooo looooonng:D
Wheee~!! Yay!
haha...
i sound weird, don't i....
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